THIS QWERTY KEYBOARD SHOULD BE 20-30% QWERTIER

Eh, I've seen qwertier...

Before we get into this review, it’s worth taking a moment to explore the history of the QWERTY style keyboard.  A brief timeline should help put this groundbreaking invention into the proper context.

History of the QWERTY Keyboard:
1962 – Archibauld Qwerty is born.
1974 – Typing becomes the USA’s #1 pastime.
1986 – ABC airs “America’s Qwertiest Home Videos.”
1992 – WWII ends.
2001 – Pat Sajak qwerts himself on live television.
2009 – WWII begins again.
2011 – Rinse and repeat.

Many consumers make claims like, “Archibauld Qwerty is a hero,” or “He should be honored,” or “You don’t understand U.S. history,” or "Stop peeing on that couch," or "Don't eat those staples,"  or "Are these your dingleberries?" or "Don't click here."

Nevertheless, Archie Qwerty certainly knew the importance of marketing yourself.  If you don't think it's important, we suggest you go talk to Arnold Asdf.

iPEE ON iPADS BECAUSE iHATE THEM

How in the hell do you flush this thing?...

From Archer, special guest contributor.

First of all, if you own an iPad, iSuggest you put on some iSotoner gloves, grab an iCicle, and iMpale your genitals iMmediately. Secondly, you may think twice about purchasing one after reading this staggering statistic.

FACT: 89% of iPads are 55% more likely to cause a 35% increase in up to 24% of all percentages.

Now, we don’t know about you, but that statistic scares the pee out of us. Come to think of it, all statistics scare the pee out of us. Actually, just saying the word “statistics” makes us pee a little.

In conclusion, if you didn’t find this review helpful, you’re obviously an iDiot (or an iAsshole).

USING A DVR TO SAVE YOUR FAVORITE HAIRBALLS

I'm sorry, you wanted to watch Dexter? Go lick yourself...

From guest reviewer, Frankie the Cat.

Sure, it can be nice to throw up hairballs on expensive things like the couch, stereo, Bow-flex machine, hemorrhoid doughnut, argyle socks or autographed 8x10 Hall and Oates photo.  Unfortunately, they’re always gone the next day. Instead, try using a DVR to save and organize all of your favorite hairballs. 

Follow these simple steps:

Step #1 – Lick yourself for 2-3 business days.

Step #2 – Vomit hairball onto the DVR.

Step #3 – Blame the TV.

Step #4 – Run up and down the stairs at 4 am.

 It’s a pretty simple solution. And as Daryl Hall once sang, “Private eyes are watching you spew hairballs onto expensive furniture” (or something like that). Now you’ll have more time for all of those important things in life, like staring at the closet door all day or eating an entire roll of dental floss.

PROPER USE OF A LAPTOP CASE

Don't make me pee in this thing.

Plenty of douchebags wearing sport coats or mock turtlenecks have explained the importance of laptops. Unfortunately, it’s up to us at Cat Reports to make sure your laptop case is being used properly. Misconceptions lead to misuse, which leads to mistakes and misfortune, which is very mispleasant (It’s a word. Look it up here).

If you’re the type of person who thinks your laptop case should only hold your laptop, here’s our advice to you: First, open your laptop. Second, slam your genitals in the laptop over and over until you pass out. Third, never talk to us again.

Here are some other good uses for a laptop case (besides storing your laptop):
1.) Emergency litter box

2.) Nonemergency litter box

3.) Mild emergency litter box
4.) Get-away car

IF IT'S CALLED A REMOTE CONTROL, WHY CAN'T IT CONTROL MY VOMITING?

Sorry remote... You were asking for it.

One thing I hate most about electronics is their lack of ability to control my vomiting.  This stupid remote is no exception.

First of all, I definitely hit pause while vomiting, yet I continued to throw up half-digested Fancy Feast, some windowsill bugs, and a cocktail olive.  Secondly, we could debate all day whether or not eating Fancy Feast, some windowsill bugs, and a cocktail olive made me throw up in the first place.  Fortunately, that’s not up for debate right now.

Here are some other great electronics to throw up on:
#1.) Any.
#2.) See #1.

If you want to go above and beyond, try eating a product and throwing it up on to another.  Like yesterday, when I swallowed a flash drive and then threw it up onto a laptop.  I refer to it as a “file transfer.” 

If the rewind button on this stupid remote worked, I’d relive that moment every day.

SETTING UP A PRINTER AND A CARDBOARD SPACESHIP

Boarding the space craft.

After buying a printer, most people usually have one question: How soon until I can fly the spaceship it came in? The good news for you is immediately.  The bad news for you is that we hate you.


HERE ARE SOME TIPS FOR SETTING UP A PRINTER:
Step #1 – Plug in the printer.
Step #2 – Put paper in tray.
Step #3 – Slam face into printer repeatedly.
Step #4 – Repeat Step #3.
Step #5 – Throw away printer and climb aboard the cardboard spaceship.

Congratulations! You’ve set up your printer, and you’re a complete asshole!  Enjoy “printing” your stupid “documents.”  If you need us, we’ll be in our spaceship getting ready to make the jump to light speed.  And in order to navigate our way back, we sprinkled a path of dingleberries across the couch to leave a trail.  It’s literally science. 

REFRIGERATOR FACTS AND UNFACTS

So you're looking to pick out a refrigerator...?  A lot of these refrigerator companies will try to confuse you with hip refrigerator lingo like "energy efficient" or "adjustable temperature" or "doors."  Don't let the confusion overwhelm you.  Here are some facts and unfacts to help clarify the mysteries of the fridge.

FACT - If left unchecked, a refrigerator will eat its own weight in groceries every day.  

Do not let this happen.  If necessary, throw whatever refrigerator contents you can onto the floor at any instant.  It's the only to way to keep it at bay.

UNFACT - Scaling a refrigerator is a simple task.
Ever since misconceptions were invented in 1982, this has definitely been the biggest of them.  Any expedition to the top of a refrigerator takes planning, navigating, and research.  If you're planning to purchase a taller refrigerator model, we recommend also buying a compass, rope, extra air tanks, and a Nepalese Sherpa.

FACT - The name "refrigerator" comes from the Latin word "refrigeratto."
As we all know, "refrigeratto" is the Latin word which means "evil bastard full of food."  There's really no explanation needed for this fact.  If you don't believe us, we hope you get eaten by a refrigeratto.